Spruce Up That Cheese Plate
Ain’t nothing sexier than a woodsy, spoonable, bark-wrapped cheese, especially on a crisp autumn evening. These guys originated in the Alps, where, once fall hits, dairy cows switch their diet from fresh grasses to hay, which makes their milk much richer. When you turn that rich milk into cheese, it tends to get so soft and runny that the wheels fall apart. To keep them intact, farmers wrap them in a strip of spruce bark—which also lends a sweet, piney quality to the cheese, kind of like what happens to whiskey in an oak barrel.
There are tons of different spruce-wrapped cheeses to try, from European classics like Vacherin Mont d’Or and Forsterkäse, to American varieties like Rush Creek Reserve or this Greensward here. Each of these, of course, has its own unique flavors, but almost all share hints of bacon and a cozy aroma of pinecones. Whichever variety you choose, the best way to indulge in this orgasmic flavorgy is by taking her top off and diving straight into her custardy center.
Here’s how to serve spruce-wrapped cheese in three simple steps.
1. Get her runny.
For a spoonable texture, take the wheel out of the refrigerator at least an hour before serving. Better yet, warm her in the oven at 250°F for about 5 minutes, until she’s soft to the touch.
2. Take her top off.
Use a paring knife to carefully slice all the way around the rind, just inside the bark. Slowly peel back and remove the rind. You can also just take off half the rind, which makes for a sexy, scantily clad presentation. Don’t throw away the rind: you’ll want it later when you’ve finished the spoonable part and are still craving more.
3. Go down on her.
Devour her silken insides with nothing but a spoon—or even just use your fingers. If you want to be extra, surround her with accoutrements for plunging in like the best fondue you’ve ever had: french fries, pickles, your favorite mustard, or maybe just some warm sourdough. A malty Belgian ale or bourbon cocktail is also a highly recommended addition.
Greensward is available exclusively at Murray’s Cheese. Special thanks to them for sending this wheel over to the Cheese Sex Death headquarters!
Check out my IGTV video on my favorite pairing with Jasper Hill Farm Harbison below!