More OG than Stilton Himself
Having the necessities to whip up a platter at any time is essential to the cheese slut lifestyle.
Whether for an impromptu gathering or just to treat yourself to dinner,
you’ll be prepared if you keep stocked with something from each category below.
These are the four cheese board essentials I always have on hand.
Last night I taught a cheese and witchcraft class in my hometown Chicago.
That might seem a little weird at first: how exactly does cheese relate to witchcraft?
Obviously cheese makes anything taste like magick,
but the relationship between the two doesn’t stop there.
Cheese also has a magickal history.
Throughout history, dairy maids were accused of witchcraft when their cows
produced particularly abundant milk or their cheeses were wicked tasty.
Others were accused of cursing their neighbor’s cheese production
when their yields were poor or their cows went dry.
People have also used cheese in rituals and offerings as a symbol of prosperity.
Some have read rind formations, as one would tea leaves.
In Icelandic folklore, male cheesemakers would mark their wheels
and send them off to maidens, who, upon eating it, would fall in love with them.
And finally, cheese has long been paired with magickal herbs, fruits, and drinks
and eaten with an intention to cast a spell.
The relation makes sense: there is something fundamentally magickal about cheese.
The shapeshifting transformation from milk to curd appears miraculous.
Cheese possesses the power to seduce us and leave us craving more.
It puts us under a spell.
Here are 5 of the witchiest cheeses to spook up
your Halloween cheese platter.
I would like it explained to me in writing
what’s so great about apple butter.
– Tina Fey, Bossypants
I’ve been searching for the answer to this ever since
I first read Tina’s memoire, Bossypants.
Surely, it’s not as good as real butter. Nothing is.
It’s basically just grown up apple sauce. What’s the point?
It wasn’t until I first smeared a small chunk of cheddar
with the stuff that I discovered the answer.
So here you go, Tina: apple butter, which is result of boiling
the souls of many apples with harvest spices, is fantastic with cheese.
The soft, velvety texture cloaks your palate in sweet, spicy autumnal flavors,
cradling all hunks of cheese from creamy and funky to salty and crumbly.
A good apple butter will truly enhance nearly any cheese,
like the accoutrement version of a sexy halloween costume.
I recommend making it yourself. It’s pretty easy and you can choose your own spices.
Here are a couple of my favorite pairings
to tease you before you go play yourself.
I have a feeling a lot of people who hate blue cheese just haven’t had the right one.
A good blue is salty, creamy, decadent and heavenly…
but that signature funk is too kinky for virgin palates.
Adding butter to blue cheese is kind of like putting fur on handcuffs.
The extra fat smooths out the cheese’s pungent flavor,
carrying it across your palate and softening the blow.
This butter will groom your tastebuds,
seducing them into the pleasures
of funky blue cheese.
A cheese platter is always the perfect meal, especially in the heat of late summer.
They’re portable and make the best picnic,
you don’t have to turn on the stove or oven,
and they make a seductive little canvas for the fruits of the season.
It’s important to approach late-summer platters with finesse,
otherwise the sun and sticky humidity will turn that pretty spread into a hot mess.
Here are a few tips to help you keep your chill
when you’re cheesing in the heat.
We all know Trader Joe’s is lit with deals and tasty treats, but they can also fulfill your daily cheese needs.
Although nothing beats a visit to a real cheese counter, Traders Joe’s is a reliable, convenient, and
affordable place to satisfy your daily cheese needs in the meantime.
Next time you find yourself stuck in front of the cheese display at Trader Joe’s,
let these 5 tips guide the way.