Cheese and Beer 4Eva
The legen-dairy Tia Keenan has just blessed us with Melt, Stretch, & Sizzle: The Art of Cooking Cheese, a veritable bible of cheese porn that dropped this week. You’ve probably seen Tia’s work on Bon Appetit, like this very sexy potato chip and cheese pairing guide. She also wrote this little gem about how cheese and sex are better in the morning, one of my all-time favorite articles about cheese.
Tia is a personal hero of mine. She has been writing about cheese for years, and her work has always been a major source of inspiration for me. Her latest book is littered with hot n’ saucy shots of gooey cheese and arousing recipes for mastering the melt in all its forms. It’s basically an all-purpose guidebook to maneuvering the sensual world of hot cheese.
I normally don’t post interviews on here, but when Tia reached out with some sexy outtakes from her cheese sex journal, I just couldn’t resist. We sat down together to get the dirty details on her inspiration behind this cheese porn bible, to discuss her favorite cheeses at the moment, and to learn what her last meal on earth would be. Scroll down for a little Q&A.
Ain’t nothing sexier than a woodsy, spoonable, bark-wrapped cheese, especially on a crisp autumn evening. These guys originated in the Alps, where, once fall hits, dairy cows switch their diet from fresh grasses to hay, which makes their milk much richer. When you turn that rich milk into cheese, it tends to get so soft and runny that the wheels fall apart. To keep them intact, farmers wrap them in a strip of spruce bark—which also lends a sweet, piney quality to the cheese, kind of like what happens to whiskey in an oak barrel.
There are tons of different spruce-wrapped cheeses to try, from European classics like Vacherin Mont d’Or and Forsterkäse, to American varieties like Rush Creek Reserve or this Greensward here. Each of these, of course, has its own unique flavors, but almost all share hints of bacon and a cozy aroma of pinecones. Whichever variety you choose, the best way to indulge in this orgasmic flavorgy is by taking her top off and diving straight into her custardy center.
Here’s how to serve spruce-wrapped cheese in three simple steps.
What’s My Name? Greensward
What Kind of Cheese Am I? I’m a pasteurized cow’s milk cheese wrapped in spruce bark and bathed in hard cider.
Three Words That Describe Me: Popular, charming, and promiscuous
Fun Fact: I was made specifically for Eleventh Madison Park in Manhattan and named after the Greensward Plan, which was the original blueprint for Central Park.
What Do I Smell Like? Pine trees and beef stock.
What Do I Feel Like? Tempered frosting.
What Do I Taste Like? Custard, bacon, and forest.
Favorite Foods: All I need is a warm, crusty baguette. If you’re looking to schmooze, set up a platter of rustic salmi, mustard, and pickles.
Favorite Beverages: I like ’em strong, think bold double IPA’s and rich Manhattans.
Where to Find Me: I’m available exclusively at Murray’s Cheese.
What I’ll Cost You: $30 per wheel
Special thanks to Murray’s Cheese for sending me over to the Cheese Sex Death headquarters!