The 10 Commandments of Cheese Church
May this be thy bible.
I. THOU SHALT BUY CHEESE OFTEN
Cheese begins to deteriorate as soon as it’s cut from the wheel. For the most divine flavor, only buy as much as you can eat within a few days, and then polish it off.
II. THOU SHALT LOVE THY MONGER
A cheesemonger is a divine disciple who cares for and sells cheese. They are your guiding light into the funky world of fromage. Visit them often, ask for advice, and don’t be afraid of sounding ignorant. They’re there to help.
III. THOU SHALT ENJOY THY CHEESE AT ROOM TEMP
Refrigeration dulls the flavor of cheese and makes the texture brittle instead of yielding. Before serving, let soft cheeses sit out for at least 20 minutes, and firmer wedges for 40 minutes.
IV. THOU SHALT CUT THY CHEESE WITH CLASS
More surface area means more flavor on your tongue. Instead of cubing a cheese, slice thinly to maintain the shape of the wedge. When cutting soft cheese like brie, aim for an equal rind ratio.
V. THOU SHALT RESPECT THE RIND
All rinds are edible, unless they’re coated in wax or cloth. Some of them are delicious and add all sorts of kinky flavors and textures to your cheese experience. Try them all at least once, and if you don’t like it don’t eat it again! That’s OK, too.
VI. THOU SHALT NOT WRAP THY CHEESE IN PLASTIC
Cheese is alive and needs oxygen to breathe and stay healthy. Wrapping it in plastic suffocates and eventually kills a cheese, ruining the flavor and making it slimy.
I recommend Formaticum cheese paper, or wax paper and a ziplock.
VII. THOU SHALT GRATE THY OWN CHEESE
Freshly grated cheese has a better flavor and smoother texture than pre-shredded cheese, which has preservatives and declumping agents that make it kind of rubbery when melted. It’s also cheaper, and melts more smoothly.
VIII. THOU SHALT BE LACTOSE WOKE
Most cheese is virtually lactose-free. The process of cheesemaking converts lactose (milk sugar) into lactic acid, which is why cheese is so tangy. The longer they age, the less lactose they have. If you are cursed with lactose intolerance, go for older wedges like cheddar, Parmigiano, or the sex wedge of Black Betty pictured here. If thy loved one is afflicted, curd-ucate them and feed them some aged cheese, too.
IX. THOU SHALT NOT CROSS-CONTAMINATE CHEESUS
Always use a different knife for each cheese and accoutrement, otherwise everything will start to taste the same. Those unique, complex flavors are special and deserve their moment in the spotlight.
X. THOU SHALT EXPERIMENT
Eat cheese often and try new ones, too. It’s the only way to learn about what you like and discover new lovers, too. If you find yourself in love with a particular cheese, then get a little kinky with pairings.
